Coping with Cancer

(By Pastor Mark Fontecchio)

For God did not appoint us to wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, who died for us, that whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with Him. – 1 Thess. 5:9-10

It first started with the nondescript. Bad headaches and uncontrollable blood sugar are not that unusual. This was how it began in my teenage years. By the time I was in my twenties the list of symptoms was expanding (fatigue, confusion, difficulty breathing, diarrhea, and extreme pain in my legs). Slowly the answers would come from the medical experts. I have an extremely rare genetic condition known as Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia Syndrome Type 1 with Carcinoid Cancer. This means that my endocrine system is slowly becoming tumorous and some of these tumors are turning into cancer.

The tumors in my pituitary gland mean difficulty sleeping. The tumors in my parathyroid glands robbed the calcium from my legs (causing extreme pain) and partially calcified my heart and my lungs (accounting for the fatigue and difficulty breathing). Tumors meant that my spleen, my appendix, and my gallbladder were all removed. I have been living for at least the last decade with tumors in both lungs and secretory tumors that comprise one-third of my pancreas. The secretions of these tumors cause persistent headaches and extreme digestive issues. These are just some of the incredible effects that cancer has brought to my body. I have joined the millions of Americans who are diagnosed with cancer every year.

Because my disease is a slow progressing cancer (often referred to as cancer in slow motion) I have experienced both the long-term impact and immediate shock of being told by medical doctors that I didn’t have long to live. Fortunately, they have been wrong for close to a decade.

I could not begin to count the number of hours I have spent in different cancer clinics with doctors, nurses, and other patients. The hard lessons of life that I have learned are numerous. Perhaps the most important lesson for any caregiver or person coping with cancer is that no two cases are identical. The progression, spread, and outcome are as unique as the individuals and the sovereign plan of God for them.

Coping with Fear

Cancer is a scary word. It invokes fear. Immediately upon hearing the diagnosis, one must wrestle with the loss of control. Doctors’ appointments and treatment plans intrude into life. The potential loss of being able to see our dreams fulfilled is traumatic. Life as we know it suddenly stops.

When I was at my sickest point, we used to bring our children to my oncology appointments. Knowing that we would have to travel and spend days in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the hospital, I cherished every moment I could spend with them. I will never be able to forget the experience of seeing the pain in a woman’s eyes in the cancer ward as she looked at our young daughter and realized she would never be able to have kids. The smile and joy in her face at the sight of our daughter quickly turned to tears and pain as her husband sought to comfort her.

I have been teaching the Bible for decades and I have become convinced that one of the most difficult lessons to learn in the Christian faith is contentment. This can be even more difficult when it comes to the longevity of our life on earth and our ability to live as we are accustomed to. This is where our trust in God becomes critical to our ability to cope. In the Psalms we read, “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God (I will praise His word), In God I have put my trust; I will not fear” (Ps. 56:3-4).^[1] The Psalmist was no stranger to facing his own mortality, “King David was in a potentially deadly situation when he wrote those words. Yet he trusted fully in the One he knew was over all things.”^[2]

Trusting an unseen God can be difficult, even for the Christian. This is precisely when believers need to turn to the Word of God for strength. In Revelation 1:18 Jesus stated, “I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death” (Rev. 1:18). The fact that Christ holds the key to death means that no one dies unless He puts the key in the door. No sickness can kill me unless Christ puts the key in the door, and no team of doctors can save me if Christ uses the key. Jesus knows the perfect time to use the key for each of us. When death does come, let us know that as Christians a glorious future awaits us. We can look to the day when, “the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord” (1 Thess. 4:16-17).

Learning to Listen

One of the tragedies of the Church is that what should be a hospital for hurting souls has become a place where we hurt our wounded. Our schedules are full, and we make little time for people. The latest internet diet theories promise to cure all of our health problems, and everyone seems to have an opinion. The cancer patient can expect to hear from many well-intentioned souls looking to help. Diets and stories about them are often shared. Unfortunately, someone may even tell the cancer patient that if you just have enough faith you will be healed. These words hurt a person more than can be ever described. When you are fighting for your life, the last thing you need to hear is that it is your fault because you don’t have enough faith.

The fears are real for people diagnosed with cancer. It has been correctly stated, “at the heart of trauma and crisis is loss.”^[3] This is especially true for cancer patients. Even if the person manages to recover there is a loss of control, a loss of finances, and a loss of time. If the end of the cancer journey is more permanent the loss experienced is magnified. A diagnosis at a young age can seem overwhelming.

Recognizing these fears and this sense of loss is of vital importance for anyone seeking to care or minister to a patient of cancer. One of the absolute most painful times in my life was driving home from the cancer clinic in Minneapolis, Minnesota. My wife and I had just been told that I didn’t have long to live. With a young wife and two young kids, the pain was unbearable. Yes, I know Jesus Christ as my Savior. Yes, I know my future is secure, but the loss I was feeling was real.

As my wife drove, I cried. All of the fears of the worst outcome had come true. To this day I am thankful for how my wife responded. For hour after hour, she held my hand and let me pour my heart out to God. She let me explain my frustration and hurts. In a nutshell, she listened. Did I need to be reminded of the sovereign plan of God for my life? Of course. But this was not that time. My wife let me mourn my loss.

I mention this as a warning to caregivers. There is a time and a place for quoting Scripture. There is also a time and a place for listening. Over the coming weeks and months, one of the men from our church would give me a piece of paper with just a simple Bible verse written down. I learned to cherish these gentle reminders from Scripture. I would often save the piece of paper (not even looking at it) until I was at one of my lowest points. Then I would remember it was there and look up the verse to find a timely reminder from Scripture of God’s love and grace in my life. This is one of countless examples of how to be gentle with sharing Scripture with a cancer patient. They don’t need a sermon. They need love, support, a listening ear, and an occasional and gentle reminder from Scripture.

Physical Support

It is easy for Christians to get focused on the spiritual. The Word of God and the Gospel of Christ are the most important missions of the Church. Still, we find that the physical care of believers is a vital arm of the Church. This can be easily seen from Acts 6 with the distribution of food to the widows. Depending on the type of cancer, the need for physical and practical help will be there. The cancer alone can be debilitating. As it directly impacts major organs the body weakens. The appointments, tests, and scans make anyone weary. The drugs and chemotherapy used to treat cancer will bring the strongest of people to their knees.

Caring for the well-being of an individual means more than just spiritual care. It is to look out for the entire well-being of the person. This is because, “effective coping means eventually making plans for the future.”^[4] Making plans for the future can involve both short and long-term plans. In the immediate, it may be the simple tasks of providing meals, mowing lawns, or helping the person find caregivers. If the end of the cancer journey is fatal, the plans for the future are much more comprehensive. This can include nursing care, hospice, and estate and family planning. Once again, it is imperative for the caregiver to listen.

I have been on the receiving end of this support often. Churches I have pastored have taken up love offerings to help offset our medical costs numerous times. Countless meals and expressions of love have come our way from the Body of Christ. I am forever grateful. Early on in my journey with cancer, a friend did the unthinkable. He asked me, “What can I do for you that no one else is taking care of?” I explained my greatest fear was that if something happened to my wife, my children may not hear about Christ. Standing face to face with me my friend looked me in the eyes and said, “I make the commitment to you right now that if the worst happens, I will make sure your children hear the Gospel.” The release of worry was something I will never forget. Perhaps my fear was irrational, but it was of great concern to me. Instead of assuming that we know what a person needs, ask. Allow the person coping with cancer to express what would minister to them. Recognize that anyone dealing with cancer is typically bringing an entire family through the difficult days of battling cancer. Being sensitive to the needs of the entire family makes us aware of other opportunities to come alongside the family members.

Prayer

The power of prayer is one of the most often neglected weapons in the spiritual arsenal. Here we have the opportunity to pour out our hearts to the Creator. As Christians, “When the threat of cancer falls over our own lives, we feel sick with fear—but we can also begin to rely on God’s presence in new ways.”^[5] Prayer helps us to live in fellowship with God. It is something that the world cannot take away from us (even cancer cannot take this away). We can always talk to God. It is here that we can learn to surrender our cares and fears to Him. In prayer we can surrender our lives to His will knowing that He is more than capable of healing us if that is His plan. God can also allow us to go through cancer for His greater purposes that may be unseen to us. Even when we don’t know what to pray we know that, “the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered” (Rom. 8:26). God is there for us even when we are left without words. We should take great comfort from this.

The Purpose of Cancer

Many a cancer patient has uttered the words, “Why me?” The question deserves an answer. As individuals begin to cope with the changes that have intruded into their lives because of cancer, this typically becomes a question after the initial shock in the grieving process. This is where some tough lessons come in, “What God permits, he permits for a reason. And that reason is his design. If God foresees molecular developments becoming cancer, he can stop it, or not. If he does not, he has a purpose. Since he is infinitely wise, it is right to call this purpose a design.”^[6]

Death is facing every one of us. Cancer helps us to learn the hard lessons we see in Scripture, “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” (Ps. 90:12). Facing cancer can help us to draw closer to our Savior. The Apostle Paul himself had to learn that life’s difficult journeys are meant to help us depend on the sufficiency of Christ. As he stated in Philippians 3:8, “I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord.” Paul wanted to know his Savior more deeply. Whether you are diagnosed with cancer or someone you care for is, let the experience take you deeper in your walk with Christ.

Cancer Returns

No matter the promises of modern science, cures for cancer seem elusive. In my own case I have learned to function throughout the vast portion of my adult life with it in me. Cancer and I are at a standoff, but I feel its effects daily.

Yet, I must admit I was caught unprepared for the cancer to return to my family. In the past year both of my elderly parents have found themselves in a significant battle with cancer. My father has had much of his colon removed and has undergone the worst of chemotherapy. What started out as skin cancer for my mother has now turned to her lymph nodes. I do not what the future brings for them, but I have now found myself both battling cancer and being a caregiver at the same time. The lessons I have learned continue to grow.

Most people cannot tell from outward appearances the sickness that lies within me. Those that know me best can tell when I need rest. I have days when the cancer gets the best of me. Despite this I continue to pastor full-time and raise a wonderful family. It is truly by God’s strength that I am able to continue.

For many years I didn’t even want people to know that I had cancer. I didn’t want the attention. I didn’t want people to treat me differently. Then one day I realized that the story of what God has done in my life is a powerful testimony that should be shared. It allows me to tell others of the power of living in the sufficiency of Christ. I would challenge others who walk this difficult path to do the same.

I have also learned to wrestle with the reality of my own death. It is normal, even for the Christian, to grieve at the loss of a loved one. Still, we find words of comfort in the Scriptures from Paul when he testifies, “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope” (1 Thess. 4:13). Death will bring the separation from loved ones and the loss of our experiences with them now. However, we remember that our grief should be different because we have the eternal hope found in Jesus Christ for those who have come to saving faith in Him. To God be the glory!

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