How Do I Overcome My Struggles with Sexual Sin and Pornography?

(By Pastor Mark Fontecchio)

Question: How do I overcome my struggles with sexual sin and pornography?

Answer: I am convinced that believers often struggle with besetting sins. It is different for each believer in Christ Jesus. I worked in construction for many years before becoming a Christian. I didn’t suddenly forget how to stop saying bad words the minute I got saved. When I am tired, sick, or emotionally drained (at my weakest physical moments) this is when the temptation is the strongest. Even though I don’t personally share your same battle, I know the power of the sin nature. I have learned that when I am tired, I need to pay special attention to my tongue. This same principle can be applied for those who wrestle with other sins. Temptations are at their strongest when we are at our weakest. My family knows this about me, and my wife will often encourage me to take a break and rest when I need it. Enlisting the help of those we trust can be beneficial as we resist the temptation to sin.

Common to Man

By my experience, I would guess at least one-third of the men that I have counseled over the years in ministry struggle with sexual sins. It easily could be much higher. This point should not be overlooked. The temptation is to think that you are different or defective because you struggle with this sin. That is a lie that Satan wants you to believe. The Apostle Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” I hope you realize the power of this promise from the Word of God. Every temptation that God allows us to face (including pornography) is common to man and He provides us with a way of escape. God has promised us His enabling power to overcome the temptation in front of us.

The lie of the world is that sexual sins are too big to overcome. That we cannot help ourselves, or that the temptation is too strong. God wants us to believe differently. He wants us to believe His Word that there is a way to win the battle each time. It starts with building a healthier view of God. There is a path to freedom for those wrestling with moral purity.

Sex Dominates

The challenge we face is that the culture all around us is dominated by sex. The temptation to sin is everywhere. We as Christians need to be prepared. In fact, these encounters are designed by God to strengthen our faith. God wants His children to see His power at work in their lives as they walk by faith. This does mean we need to be willing to make some changes in our lives. You will notice that the very next verse in Corinthians told the believers, “Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry” (1 Corinthians 10:14). We cannot expect to have the victory over sin if we do not allow God to make changes in our lives to glorify Him. For the Corinthians, this meant fleeing from idolatry. As Christians, we can know that the temptations in our faith are designed to draw us closer to Christ (Hebrews 2:17-18). Hebrews tells us, “For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:15-16). God wants an open and honest relationship with us based on His mercy and grace. We hurt ourselves when we don’t turn to Him in our times of need.

The hurt and damage extends past our individual lives. Pornography ruins many marriages. It gives men (and sometimes women) a false understanding of what intimacy will be like within a marriage. Just as we know that movies are not real, neither are the fantasies created by pornography. The burden and unloving expectations put upon spouses has destroyed marriages and ruined lives. The exposure that most young people have to images and videos that were never intended by God for the mind to see devastates the thoughts and expectations of what sex is supposed to look like, which directly influences how intimacy works in a marriage. Further, these deeply ingrained patterns of sin become harder and harder to overcome the more entrenched that men become in pornography.

Believers in Jesus Christ who struggle with pornography need to develop a healthy view of how God has designed us to function. Fathers need to teach their sons, by example, that this is a challenge for most men (especially in this culture) and we need to encourage our family members to help hold us accountable (not nag, blame, or shame) by striving to keep our lives pure for the glory of God.

Overcoming pornography starts with the desire to experience purity in our walk with Jesus Christ. If there is no desire on the part of the person to change, the victory will never be won. This is why so many people slide back into their old lifestyle. There is nothing anyone else can do to help the person who does not want God’s purity in their life, other than show them by example that it is worth it to keep our walk before Christ pure. It has to come from the heart.

After a believer fails in this area they are often ridden with guilt and shame. They agree with the Word of God about their actions, but then late at night (or when no one is around) temptation overtakes them and they don’t resist. In that moment, they are in effect saying, “I want this more than purity.” All it takes is the click of a mouse and the sin overtakes you.

Consider the words of James 2:14-15, “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin.” First, notice that we learn that the source of temptation is within a person. It is our own evil desire, lust, or craving. It is not a sin to be tempted, but when we desire to have what we shouldn’t, it gives birth to sin.

This is where we must come to understand that the change over this area is an ongoing battle (not a one statement fixes all type of situation). It is something that needs to be built into our hearts and we need to change the way we think to be in agreement with the Word of God. It needs to move past the initial guilt of knowing that we did something wrong to understand the heartfelt guilt like David had when he finally realized he had sinned against God. This comes from an understanding in the Scriptures of who God is and the provisions He has given us to overcome the battles with sin. Change takes time and there will be slips along the way, but this is where we cling to the teaching of 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

It is more than possible to overcome these struggles, but it must begin with a healthier view of God that can only come from growing in the Scriptures. The focus for men is often on the shame or guilt, but the thinking should shift to, “I have just sinned against God.” It is a decision to rebel against God (His design and His purpose for our lives). Until we get to that point, we have not fully appreciated the seriousness of the decision we make when we look at pornography. It stems from not having a high enough view of God that lowers our expectations. It lowers our understanding of who God is and raises our acceptance of sin because we don’t see it as that significant.

The Psalms are a beautiful place to get to know God in the Scriptures. They talk about who God is (His holiness, His faithfulness, His love, His grace, and His attributes). In the Psalms we can see God. This becomes important because when the temptation to sin strikes, we need to seek God and His resources in our lives. This is where the battle is won. An easy place to turn when tempted to sin is the Psalms. The Scriptures will remind us how great our God is and that we are to have a healthy fear of Him that is rooted in our understanding of being accountable to Him for how we live out our faith. We are reminded that sin has consequences.

All of this should be rooted in our love for God because of His love for us. Jesus Christ stepped out of heaven and loved us so much that He has turned us around, back to face Him and experience that love. We begin to reflect that love by the power of Him living in us every day.

A Word About Marriage

A trap that many married men have fallen into is to blame their impurity on their wife. It is common for men who give into the temptation to say, “My wife is not meeting my physical needs, so pornography is a safe outlet.” These are separate issues. Your purity must be independent of your physical relationship with your wife.

Many marriages would benefit greatly by setting aside some time to talk specifically about intimacy within the marriage. A weekend away would be a great place to start to discuss these matters with honesty. There is nothing wrong with telling your spouse that this is something that you would really like to work on (to be more intimate together). Honest, gentle, loving discussions can take a couple a long way towards solving intimacy issues.

Honoring Women

God created women to be honored and loved. Anytime men look at a woman (even in a movie or online) and objectify her we must remember that this is someone God created to be another man’s spouse. This is someone’s daughter. They do not exist to be the satisfaction of our lust and our desires. This is why we must reject the fantasies of modern entertainment and pornography to help us recognize that what we are watching is not real, it is complete deception engineered by the father of lies to trip us up and cause us to sin against our Creator. When we honor the other women in our lives, it honors God and our wives.

This becomes an action step in overcoming the battle for moral purity. Instead of just trying to stop giving into temptation, work on honoring women. See them as God sees them (created in the image of God). This has led me to take a number of practical steps in my own walk in Christ. I have trained myself to intentionally look women in the eyes (nothing below that needs my attention). I never hug a woman from the front other than my wife (I give sideways hugs to some of the ladies in our church). I never am alone with another woman without my spouse. These things are not done out of legalism, but out of love for God, for these sisters in Christ, and my wife that God has entrusted to me. I want no mistakes about my intentions and thoughts.

When I meet men who are tempted, I encourage them to pray for that woman they are attracted to. It’s hard to lust over them and pray for them at the same time. This helps us to see the person as God sees them.

An Honest Evaluation

Most Christian men would benefit from an honest evaluation in their own lives of the things that are adding to their temptation to sin. Is there a person of the opposite sex you are too close to? What entertainment are you allowing into your home that is taking you away from God? Christians often fuel the fire of their temptations and then wonder why they get burned. Protect your soul. Even brief nude scenes on T.V. add fuel to the sinful desires of the heart. A wise man learns to not tolerate the moral impurity being shoved upon us. By figuring out where your temptations are you can work to provide a new direction that honors God. The less temptations we put in front of ourselves, the less likely we will give into those specific sins.

For Wives

There is a powerful draw that pulls men away from a real relationship with a person they love to a false image that can never satisfy. Your husband’s sin is not your fault. He must take responsibility before God for his actions. Unfortunately, many wives have given into the temptation to say that they must do something to fix their husband.

God has designed us to have a strong desire toward someone else. In particular, He has designed men to be the ones who pursue this relationship. The fall of mankind into sin has meant that men are striving to find this fulfillment in all the wrong areas.

Communicate with your husband. Every marriage has its difficulties but learning to talk about these issues is vital. Your marriage can come out on the other side with hope.

A Final Word

Sex was created by God to be an exceptionally good thing. Satan has been happy to distort what God has intended for us. By having a healthy view of who God is and how much He loves us, along with the resources God has given us (our identity in Christ, His Word, His Spirit to empower us, and the support of other believers), we can take the principles that God gives us and apply them to our lives.

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